Tuesday, 16 January 2018

The Finest Shoulder Pain!

Their is a certain charm to a terrible almost life taking shoulder pain. You suddenly start realising the weight of your head, and trust me it seems to be heavier than a big boulder, a little left and right you move your face and damn you will realise the value of all Gods that have ever existed for the human race.

The worst part, it is nothing! Yes, that is what it is, NOTHING. No fracture, rupture etc, it is just plain - raw- blatant pain. If I had to express how it feels like, I would probably compare it to a lonely night without the moon. As if your wounds have been left open, heat burns it, cold winds pinch it and of course ignorance by beloveds aggravates it.

The most beautiful part of this thing is, you are constantly claiming to be okay, because; Duh! Shoulder pain at 21 is no excuse. So yes, you are constantly in pain, internally screaming externally smiling. Nobody even know about it and there is hardly anything you can do about it either.

However, a warm hug, maybe a good coffee and a heating pad could be your best friends, but alas; people like me hardly get the best. Rest obviously is up to time and Dua!

So here I am, ranting, whining and cribbing. That’s all. Oh yes! I have been using the Moov spray more than my deodorants. I smell of Moov. Now can this pain please move on and away?

Monday, 15 January 2018

Dealing With It!

There will be and they better be times when you don’t feel like not being what you are. Existence as a concept feels tedious exhausting and to some extent useless too. Sleep doesn’t kiss and you wake up feeling tired. The whole process of getting out of bed seems like a war. A war that you know you will lose.

It’s in those times, you would want to thank your head that has been so heavy on your shoulder for pushing you. On such days a warm hug could just maybe help you breathe a little more with ease. It would probably help you realise that maybe it is not all that bad even though you know it is much worse than what you choose to accept. But, has a dose of love harmed anyone as yet?

Love has done good to me, till now at least. Hugs, coffee and an exemplary mentor has been there all this while. You know it helps to have someone. Someone you can talk to, someone who will always be there or so you believe, someone who has the patience to listen to your rants, someone who will be there to say, it’ll all be okay.

Maybe this is our survival kit. Maybe this our bad day box love. Maybe this just is what it is!

Friday, 12 January 2018

Passions And Candles!

You don’t need the fashion of passion
All you got to do is believe in perseverance
Of your nurtured passion.

Remember, you put in so many
sleepless nights and day dreams
For figuring out what real passion
Feels like.

Don’t you remember the smell
Of it when you realised
What your breaths are meant for?

That sound of the first rain
On barren ground
The smell of freshly wet mud.

That’s what passion felt and smelled like.

It stayed for a while
Just like a candle
It melted away with time.

With the wick and wax all burnt
Candle is no more a light for your fight
Just like your passions
Which can’t be the flight to your dreams.

Sunday, 7 January 2018

Now that you have!

Now that you have
Blatantly, publicly and obviously
Very authoritatively expressed
That I am a little way too less
Than what you thought, wanted, desired
And very religiously programmed me to be
I might as well accept
What you want me to believe.

Yes! A hundred times, yes
I am not what you wanted me to be
I am what I am what I am meant to be
With a million flaws, a gazillion errors
An absolute misfit in your world
But, does that mean I have no right
To dream, believe and love?

I crave for sleep, when you’re fast asleep
I crave for warmth, when you hug others around
I crave for smiles, when you shoot my pride
I crave and crave some more
For that’s all I have from you and more.

It’s all okay and fine
I choose to be what I am
Today and tonight
I stand for myself
Tall and strong
Wrap my self in my own warmth.

I dream. I rise. I work.
And that is what
My composition of pride
Looks like.

Sunday, 31 December 2017

कुछ अल्फ़ाज़ बस यूँही - 20!

जो दिल और जान आज़ादी पर क़ुर्बान है,
वो आज़ादी ना जाने किस पिंजरे पर फ़िदा है.
जिस पर फ़िदा हों, उस पर क़ुर्बान होने का ग़म कभी नहीं होता.
जब अल्फ़ाज़ों से हाल-ऐ-दिल ब्यां ना हो पाए,
तो अंदर चल रहे सैलाब को वक़्त,
और आखों को अभिव्यक्त करने का मौक़ा दे देना चाहिए.
अगर अपने हिस्से का आसमान मिल भी जाए, तब भी क्या आसमान के हिस्से होते हुए देख पाओगे?
जब दिल को दाँव पर रख कर, जान की बाज़ी खेली है, तो डर से रिशता तो तोड़ना ही पड़ेगा.
जब ज़माना नफ़रत का पैग़ाम बाटने लगे,
तो हम जैसे नाचीजों पर इश्क़ का परचम लहराने की ज़िम्मेदारी आ ही जाती है.
इश्क़, अश्क़ और इंतज़ार की वजह ढूँढने ना निकल, ना जाने कब वो मिल जाये और तू ख़ुद टूट जाए.
ज़रा सी मोहब्बत की आदत क्या पड़ी,
यह दिल तो तन्हाई का पता ही भूल गया.
भुलाते तो उन्हें हैं, जिन्हें याद किया हो,
उन्हें कैसे भुलाएँ जो यादों का वजूद हो.
ख़्वाहिशों और अर्ज़ियों के बीच ही कहीं उलझ कर रह गया वो बेचारा सुकून.

Tuesday, 19 December 2017

इश्क़ और मेरी कभी जमी नहीं!

इश्क़ और मेरी कभी जमी नहीं,
ना उसने मुझे कभी अपनी डोर से बांधा
ना मैंने कभी उसे अपनी ज़ंजीरों से जकड़ा.

हाँ, बस एक दूसरे
की आँखों में झाँक कर
उस उमहड़ते सैलाब
को देख कर ज़रा मुस्कुरा
ज़रूर लिया करते थे.

बहुत शानदार दर्पण होती है,
लेकिन ना जाने वो सब कैसे
छुपा लेती हैं
ना जाने कितने राज़
बिन बताये किसी कोने में
दबा लेती है.

लेकिन, वो उन तमाम राज़
से जो वाक़िफ़ है,
वो उन आँखों में क्या ढूँढता है?
अपना सुकून?
या मेरे वो टुकड़े
जिनका ना मुझे इल्म
है ना एहसास है?

मैं उसकी आँखों
में चाँद सी ठंडक
और सूर्य जितना तेज
देख कर मुस्कुरा लेती थी.

ऐसे ही बस आँखों
की बातें हुआ करती थी,
और अब नहीं होती.

ना उसके पास कोई लफ़्ज़ हैं,
ना मेरे पास अल्फ़ाज़,
पर एक एहसास है,
गुज़रा हुआ, बीता हुआ
और वो बहुत है.

Tuesday, 12 December 2017

If you think, I don’t love you enough!

If you think
I don’t love you enough
You’re right,
Because no amount of love
Will ever be sufficient for you.

You are made for all the love
The universe and beyond
Has to offer and all my love
For you will always be
A tiny particle of
What you deserve.

For all the times
I have looked into your eyes
You have made me
Rise and shine in your love.

I am no lover,
I never was
I never will be
But for all the love
I contain, will
Always be a part of you.

Saturday, 9 December 2017

ग़ुस्से का असमंजस!

अगर तुम्हें लग रहा है
कि मेरे अंदर ग़ुस्सा भरा
है तो तुम ग़लत नहीं हो,
लेकिन सही इसलिए नहीं हो,
क्यूँकि जिसे तुम ज़रा सा ग़ुस्सा
समझ रहे हो, वो,
ग़ुस्से का सैलाब है
फटने की कगार पर है;
अगर फट गया तो
दिमाग़ की चीथड़े
और दिल के टुकड़े
हो जाएँगे
और जो ना फटा तो
अंदर सब राख हो जाएगा.

शायद इसलिए ही किसी ने
सोच समझ कर कहा था कि
ग़ुस्सा मत करना,
ग़ुस्से से कुछ अच्छा नहीं होगा,
लेकिन अब
उस दोराहे पर खड़े हो कर
यह सोच कर भी क्या.

जब फ़ैसला सिर्फ़ इस बात
का होना है,
की जल कर राख होना है
या जलते हुए को ख़ाक
होते देखना है.

Tabla: A form of love and patience!

The thing with this instrument, the Tabla is that it teaches you how important it is to love. But, more importantly it teaches you the relevance of waiting for the love of your life. It takes courage to love, huge amounts of courage. But, waiting for love takes courage, perseverance, poise, madness and strength. You have to wait, rehearse, ache to get the right note. There will be days when every ounce of you will hurt only because there is so much that you can derive from it. It’s going to make you stronger, compassionate and more importantly it will make you question your love for it which will eventually make you fall harder for it and once you start falling harder for it, the tabla makes you rise. You rise, you rise higher and then you reach a point where neither does success and happiness matter nor does your pain. All that matters is your love for the beautiful note of the tabla that you’ve been practising for years just to feel how it feels to get it just perfect!

Sunday, 3 December 2017

On that night I wanted!

That night I wanted
To scream at her,
I wanted to tell her
That I needed her
Much more than
I could ever love her.

That night I wanted
Her to stay and not leave
I wanted the time to
Help us, see each other
Heal and deal.
On that fateful night
She didn’t stay
The time refused to stop
And, so
I moved on.

Saturday, 2 December 2017

Out of love - 85!

Your ignorance doesn’t hurt anymore, not sure whether numb or just immune.
There was a time when I was,
Afraid of the thought of being alone.
Today, I’m lonely and have no time
To care or think about it!
No, you aren’t an emotion. You’re the expression they use to articulate all the beautiful emotions.
What else can you do except sparing a gaze or two?
Destruction is your symbol
Of power
Construction is mine;
I will not let your power
Tame my share of offering
To the world and the universe.
When the sky comes to you, make sure you don’t make it feel like a ceiling!
You're beautiful, but it is the concept of you that satiates my eyes and soul.
If you can’t capture it recreate it.
Had you been the love of my life
I would have forgotten you,
But alas,
You’re the very essence, fragrance and concept of love that I have embraced
How do I even think of discarding, forgetting and moving away from it?
But, those eyes always meant magic to me.

Sunday, 26 November 2017

On the nights I can’t sleep!

On the nights
I can’t sleep
I thank.

I thank the person
Who I love with all
That I have
Who in return has
No time or desire to acknowledge
My love.

I thank because
Despite all odds
I have had the courage
To love
And love again
To care
And care always.

I thank because
I have known how pious
It is to love someone
Without getting anything in return
To have discovered
What unconditional feels like.

So on the nights,
I can’t sleep
I choose to thank.

Sunday, 19 November 2017

कुछ अल्फ़ाज़ बस यूँही - 19!

उस सुकून की ज़ंजीर को
एक बार तो जकड़ लेने दो.
अभिव्यक्ति का हर ख़तरा उठाना ही पड़ता है,
वरना अंदर के तूफ़ान का सैलाब सब राख कर देता है.
अब तो तुमको भी पता है की तुम धड़कन नहीं, धड़कन होने का अहसास हो.
जो पहले रोज़ हाल पूछा करते थे
आज वो हालात तक जानने की
ज़हमत नहीं उठाते.
ना वक़्त थमेगा, ना ज़िंदगी.
हाँ, तुम चाहो तो कुछ देर,
रुक कर,
चैन से साँस ले सकते हो!
जज़्बातों के शमशान में
एक आँसु की बूँद
अमृत से कम नहीं होती.
वो दिन आएगा
एक दिन
जब बदलेगा यह जहाँ
गाएगा आसमान
नाचेगा हर इंसान
वक़्त थामेगा हर लम्हा
आख़िर क्यूँ करते हो, इज़हार को इंकार;
क्या जानते नहीं छुपाते नहीं छुपता
डर और प्यार।
मिज़ाज है ख़ूबसूरती का, आँखों को चैन और मन बेचैन करके चले जाना.
दर्द से अगर रिहाई ना भी मिले तो पल दो पल का आराम ही सही.

Thursday, 26 October 2017

That night I was telling her a story!

That night I was telling her a story.
A story that I had written.
A story that I told everybody
that I made up,
while everybody except her knew
That it was not a story
It was my 21 years of life
Compiled in approximately
Two hundred and fifty words.

That night I was telling her a story
A story she seemed to be interested in,
A story she knew was everything
That I wanted the world outside
To believe as fiction.

That night I was telling her a story
Of all that had happened to me
Including the failures
That broke me, tore me, made me;
The kind of failures that taught me
How un-important it is to lust and drool
Over those notions of success.

That night I was telling her a story
From my heart without the dictation
Of my head and logic.
It had all my passions, fantasies, dreams
And lots more of magic.

That night I was telling her a story
While she was looking at me with
Her closed eyes under that white sheet
In which she was covered with;
She was not breathing,
But I knew she was alive
She had promised me
She wouldn’t die
And I believed her.

And so, that night I was telling her a story.

Monday, 23 October 2017

So, let’s make peace with it!

So, let’s make peace with it today
For once and for all.
I love you
And you don’t have the time
To acknowledge my love for you
But, you don’t mind me
Putting in all that effort
Because it’s a reason
For you to boast to people
“oh look at that crazy human
That human like, shit worthy thing
Could do anything for me
And I wouldn’t have to
Care a damn about it”
Woha! That’s so much for
Your pride, such a massage
For your ego.

I am glad I love you
I am glad that I still
Have the ability to
Give you more,
To pour in more
Love for you
Because I love you
From all that I have.

I am proud of the
Love, care and affection
I shower on you
Because, damn! If you look
Through my eyes
You would realise
That you deserve every
Ounce of it.

It’s okay,
You don’t have my eyes
You don’t see what I do
And so you choose to
Do what you do.

It’s fine
For you to be
Ignorant and arrogant
After all I’m not going anywhere
I’ve given you the liberty
To treat me as you like
So maybe this is what I deserve

But, rest assured
Loving you has taught me
How beautiful it is
To love unconditionally
And be comfortable
With not being or meaning
Anything to the beloved.

Thank you, you
I love you

Saturday, 21 October 2017

Diwali 2017!

My grandfather has always been a man of few words. He didn’t write much. He was a Mathematics professor and loved the subject with utmost purity and sincerity. He used to tell me how Maths took him to places and it was his duty to make maths reach people. I didn’t like the subject and he never made any remarks on that he was okay with it, he valued my choices. He often used to say if you have to ever choose between work and worship make sure you choose work; because it is your work that will help you gain the trust of people and trust is the most important achievement in life. He made me realise how winning hearts and gaining trust are two very different yet equally important things. He had a certain glow in his eyes always. You could call it a symbol of the most pious soul or my obsession with finding a tinch of light in eyes. It’s been more than 7 years since he embraced the skies yet it feels as if he is just right next to me. His gorgeousness remains crystal clear in my head. He was obsessed with standing by people he loved. But, the major problem was he loved everybody in his life. Even if someone met him once he would make sure that he stands with him/her when they needed him. When I used to ask him the logic behind this he’d just say that the we don’t need to understand or decode people, we just need to stand by them when they need it, maybe give them a hug when they’re low. Now, that I think of it, I think he was right! What else would you want except a warm hug on a tough day? Damn! I realised it a bit too late. I used to think that the only emotion that exists is love. Until, he made me believe in how love is not an emotion but an essential for the world. I used to tell him I feel loved, he used to correct me by saying you’re surrounded by love. I am yet differentiate between the two. Tonight, I am sitting at my office desk, while everyone out there is celebrating Diwali and damn I am not sad or cranky about it. I am absolutely fine with it. Seems like Grandpa knew the plan of action of life before he made a place amongst those stars up there.
Happy Diwali, world! 💛

Sunday, 15 October 2017

No, it's not okay!

It’s not okay
To not be okay;
Choose to speak
Choose to scream
Choose to express.

You deserve all the
Light, shine and glory
You deserve to be okay
You deserve to be
All smiles all the time.

Anxiety and depression
Are real, but rest assured they
Aren’t real good friends
So make sure
You don’t sit with them forever
Get rid of it, talk about it.

Just as wounds heal
With medication and time
This too shall,
Just give it sometime
To heal with love and therapy.

There is hope
You are hope
Live, love, laugh.

Sunday, 1 October 2017

Out of love - 84!

Questions are bound to make you uncomfortable, they aren't your Lullaby after all!
But, if you don't believe in magic, how will you have faith in hope?
Everything's fine, dude
It's just that the little
Slimy heart,
Won't let you be okay
With concept of
Being okay.
When logic has given up, it's always magic that winks and prevails.
Just like broken crayons continue colouring, broken hearts continue bleeding love!
The rebel.
The revolution.
The war.
All lies right in the center of the throat. 
Usually, choked!
Light doesn't shine, it just glows;
Just like the breeze which heals the soul.
The moon doesn't heal anymore,
The cracks of the soul now feel like scars. Numb, ugly and helpless.
You capture only what you cannot keep. No wonder it's always said "smile please".
You need to embrace the expression of those who express the parts of you.

Friday, 29 September 2017

On some nights, I crave!

On some nights I crave
For my sister’s motherly love
The love that heals
That knows how to deal
With the anxiety of being
The love that has the power
To make scars feel like tattoos.

On some nights I crave
For her lap, on which I keep my mind
And not my jet black hairy head
Her lap, makes me feel safe
Away from nightmares and horror
The way she brushes my hair
Allows me to find peace in
The pace of my breath

On some nights I crave
For the silence I feel within
When she keeps her hand on my head
On some nights I crave
I crave for the
Magic, strength and solace
I only find in her.


Monday, 25 September 2017

सुना है की तुम!

सुना है की तुम
इस ख़ुश रहने की तलब में
अंधे हो गए हो
सुना है की तुम
अपने आप को ढूँढने की हवस में
अंधे हो गए हो.

सुना है की तुम
अपनी आवाज़ को सुनने
से पहले ही सहम गए हो
अपने आपको पहचानने के ख़याल से
ही कुछ डर से गए हो. 

सुना है की तुम
आजकल देखने, सुनने, चाहने
से पहले ही एक ना ख़त्म
होने वाली दौड़ में
कुत्तों की तरह
चीते से तेज़
भागने लगे हो.

सुना है की
अब तुम सुनते नहीं
सिर्फ़ सुन होते हो,
इतना ही सुना है
मैंने अपने दिल से
अपने ज़मीर के लिए
और दिमाग़ के ख़िलाफ़.