Saturday, 19 May 2018

Out of love - 89!

‪Don’t invest your time in disposing off the ashes of those memoirs which have lost their meaning a while ago. Revisiting, disposing is time consuming it doesn’t deserve that.‬
But what are patterns if not a combination of unfinished-unarticulated dreams.
But what is love,
If not a combination
Of miseries,
Uncontrollable amounts of desires
And most of all the urge to give.
Do not fight battles in which you feel like a warrior’s horse and not the warrior.
When you unwind a crumbled sheet of paper,
be careful,
you’re opening up what has been crushed.
It’s going to be full of wounds and scars,
stretch with compassion,
rub your hand with ease,
it’ll open up,
just as you want it to be.
Wars won’t be wars without wounded warriors!
She once meant
Miracle & magic
She could eliminate
Everything tragic.
But, today she
Cut open my heart
Pierced the softest
Corners in which
She had poured
All her love
All this while.
You can only kill your demons
And win those wars
If they are around or a part of you
Not when you’re the demon & the war
You lose, you toxic fool.
Who are we to drool over the storm that ditched, when we ourselves are beholders of hurricanes. ———————-
Eyes were trying to lie with the lips, I had no option but to fall for it.

Monday, 23 April 2018

That day, she gave up!

That day, she gave up
She gave up on me
The idiot she once
Called her best friend.

She gave up because
Her best friend had
Become toxic and
Had buried all sense of logic.

She gave up because
Things had changed
And we couldn’t
Be all that sane.

She left, she went away
With all that we built
And nurtured
With and against time.

All the time and wine
We spent, which was
Once surreal
Now felt like boulders

That night, I slept for 18 hours
Maybe because
I lacked the courage
To accept, so I slept.

I slept, I am told
She wept, I bled
We were hurting
We still are.

But, then we used to
Hurt and play together
Today, we are the
Hurt for each other.

I am the reason
For her pain
I am what I
Never wanted to be

It is a month today
I haven’t slept and
I still haven’t slept
In peace for a single day

A month, I survived
I hope she did too
It’s time she moves on
For she doesn’t deserve toxicity.

She isn’t meant for poison
And if her ex-best friend
Is poison, now
She better be gone.

She is for flowers
And the skies
For all the peace
And beautiful butterflies.


Sunday, 22 April 2018

Your words don’t matter!

Your words don’t matter
The patterns you create
Reek of the nasty scars
Of those un-fought obnoxious

Warrior you claim to be
You loser, of all wars
What else did you think
You would ever be?

You burnt what healed
You destroyer of peace
And ease
Go survive, with ashes
And skulls
That is all your need be.

You’re hurting you say,
Aren’t you the pain
To the world that is
Bleeding it’s heart away.

You selfish monster
Rot, with your ashes
Fill your wounds with
The remains of wars
For you’ve burnt
Whatever that was yours

Friday, 13 April 2018

Follow Your Heart Till It Boomerangs!

I've often heard people bask in the glory of this concept of following the heart. Be fearless, be bold do what you want to. This concept has been so beautifully packaged that it actually gets each bit of the individual. While this best deal of follow your heart was doing rounds around me I decided to fall for the trap.

But, what happens next?

It boomerangs, right in the face. You know why? Because, it wasn't/ isn't packaged as a plan. It is raw, as in the heart. Things that are raw are never ready for the market, you may choose to read market as society because that is what it actually refers to.

Live, fall, rise, do, be but do none in the name of heart.

While this may sound very weird but the heart in the human body is also caged by the rib cage. There can be 2 ways to decode this. First, the heart is so fragile that it needs to be protected by a cage so that it doesn't get damaged; Second, it's a trap!

Whichever the case maybe, the fact of the matter is, are we ready as a society except the vulnerability or the fragility of the heart? The bigger question here is that should these complications stop you from listening to what your heart beats for? Ummm...probably no! But, some coordination between mind and heart is always a good idea. Listen to your heart, let your head make a package out it and boom, you're all ready to deal with the market.

Here’s to more dreams, stronger passions and beautiful scars! Cheers.

Thursday, 12 April 2018

Out of love - 88!

The pieces of my heart still ache, because I never fell in love with you, I knew I drowned in it and that continues to be the most beautiful feeling, ever. The pain, the craving all worth it, still!
You will heal,
So will your mind, body & soul
But, will that silence your mind’s scream?
You can’t hold everything,
But what you can,
Is yours.
With whom would I share my silences and emptiness had it not been you, Moon?
The question remains as is,
You want to find yourself
Or want to lose yourself?
Some explosions are meant for the inside, they’d blast, destroy, finish, hurt & convert everything into ash but there will be no smoke. There’ll be nothing left within & it’ll be all so good on the outside. That. That exactly is the most powerful thing ever.
No, it’s not you. It’s the pieces of you that are hurting tonight. Don’t you recall you are broken? It’s not you in a single piece, it’s the shredded you in a million pieces and so a million times painful pain.
Tonight I’m jealous of this breeze
Which is going to kiss you in your sleep
And leave you with a craving for more of
ease and peace.
The fire within doesn’t even reduce you to ashes, it just burns and burns some more and just keeps on burning, destroying, being.
Her voice heals the cracks in me,
Where else will I find my therapy?

Wednesday, 11 April 2018

Victory: A Loss!

The battles we are
Fighting are not for
For you and I will hurt
The parts of us
That we have nurtured
Together will break
And there will be no one
To tape the wounds
That we make
On each other.

The boulders in the chest
The pressure building up
In the head
The pieces of the heart
The restlessness of the soul
All the ordinary moments spent
And the beautiful memories

Is it worth the war
Is it worth the pain
And the scars
Is it worth the unwept tears
And the infinite craving of love
For hours?

Are we nothing but a battle?
Are we just a fragile combination
Not ready, to compromise on
Our dreams and desires?

Monday, 9 April 2018

कुछ अल्फ़ाज़ बस यूँ ही-22!

तेरे हक़ में ना जाने कब से दुआ कर रही हूँ,
की तेरी सलामती का ख़याल ही मेरे क्लब का इत्मिनान है.
वफ़ा की उम्मीद ना तब थी ना अब है, तू बेवफ़ा रहे पर हमेशा आबाद रहे बस यही दुआ है.
उस दिल के चीथड़े तुम क्या करोगे जिस दिल को चीर कर हमने सिर्फ़ तुम्हारे लिए रखा है.
ना जाने कैसा प्यार हो तुम, कि तूफ़ान की तरह आते हो, तबाह करते हो और फिर चले जाते हो. ना जाने कैसी हवा हूँ मैं की तुम कितने भी नाशकारी क्यूँ ना हो मैं साथ ही रह जाती हूँ. चाहती नहीं हूँ, बस रह जाती हूँ. तुम ठीक नहीं हो, तुम ग़लत हो, दर्दनाक हो, ख़तरनाक हो, पर क्या वो हवा छोड़ पायी है उस तूफ़ान का साथ, जो मैं कर पाऊँगी?
क्लब को इत्मिनान,
दिल को चैन,
तो आ ही जाएगा
वक़्त बीत जाएगा
हर ज़ख़्म भर जाएगा
पर दिमाग़ में
उमड़ते हुए तूफ़ान
का क्या कीजियेगा?
वो आएगा,
सब तबाह कर जायेगा
और आप फिर
सुकून के क़रीब
जाने के जुस्तजू
में जुट जाइयेगा
बस एक नज़र देख ले, की मैं भी देखना चाहती हूँ कि दुआ क़बूल हो तो वो एहसास क्या है.
ग़म इस बात का नहीं
की दिन ख़त्म हो जाता है
बस अब शाम की आदत नहीं
तो चाँद की ना मौजूदगी
खटकती है
रात की राहत को
तरसता है मेरा मन
अंधेरे में बस ढूँढता है
अपने आपको
तारों के सहारे
उम्मीद को जीता है मन
उन्हें भुलाने की नाकाम कोशिशों का
सिलसिला ख़त्म हो गया हो,
तो ज़रा ग़ौर उन यादों पर फ़रमाइयेगा,
जिन्होंने आपको रातों को करवटें बदलने
और दिन में बेचैन होने के अलावा,
किसी और लायक ना छोड़ा
वो तो चले गए बिन अलविदा कहे
और आप है की उम्मीद तक
को दफ़न नहीं कर पा रहे हैं.
अगर तुम्हारी मुस्कान की क़ीमत
मेरा दर्द है,
तो मुझे मेरे दर्द से
ज़्यादा अज़ीज़ कुछ नहीं.
वो जो ज़िंदगी से धड़कन चुरा ले गये,
आज पूछ रहे हैं के सब ख़ैरियत है या नहीं
कोई ज़रा उन्हें बता दे की साँस क़ायम है
तो बस ज़िंदा भर हैं.

Saturday, 31 March 2018

The People You Love!

The people you love
Including yourself
Aren’t perfect.
They have fought
Their own battles
Some won and some lost
A scratch here
A wound there
A dash of victory
And a bit of despair

Your lovers aren’t
Born to love you
They’re born to fight
For the love and dreams
They choose
They aren’t perfect lovers
They’re just new warriors
They are fighting their battles
For love, for passion, for desire

There will be wounds
That your love can heal
There will be scars
That you will have to
Accept and feel
Your lover including you
Isn’t perfect, strong, happy

Your lover is just what
A lover is
Restless, untiring & mad.

Thursday, 22 March 2018

You Will Have To!

You will have to accept your scars,
Just like your flesh & bones
There is no way out,
There shouldn’t be either.

Whatever they are
However they are
From wherever they are
Now, they are.

They are just as much
As your skin,
They deserve care
And nurturing.

Give them time to be
Without pressuring to heal
They will be fine
And so will you be.


Monday, 19 March 2018

Out of love - 87!

The mystery of the stars doesn't remind me of the stories your eyes would tell.
Love beyond borders and notions of love,
Love because that is all you got to give and share,
Love because that is the only way.
Love because you exist because of it.

Love always!
There are and there will be days in which you will have to hug yourself and be your own shoulder to lean/cry on! :)
The thing with art is, it’ll sneak into the cracks of your soul be there for a bit, heal for a while and remain like a layer of a soothing balm. Maybe, that’s how and why they say heart and art are almost synonymous.
Peace and desperation can’t co-exist,
But, you and I have to!
If you can’t see the magic, then create it.
Eventually, you’ll need it.
Science demands answers while art chooses to seek questions from answers.
But if mistakes are as raw, beautiful as you, I would mind making another one but won’t regret for sure.
Trust, hope, faith, love and magic do not exist as a concept but then there is someone somewhere who has all these in you and that probably adds to the real quotient in these.

Wednesday, 28 February 2018

कुछ अल्फ़ाज़ बस यूँ ही - 21!

हर मर्ज़ को मिटा देने वाली दवाई तो मिल जाएगी,
लेकिन हर दर्द से रिहा करने वाली औषधि कब आयेगी?
रत्ती भर उम्मीद से गुफ़्तगू क्या हुई,
हमने तो वक़्त के हक़ में क़सीदे पढ़ने
से ही फ़ारिक ना हुए.
क्या जानते हो क्लब के बारे में जो उसे सुकून पहुँचाने की होड़ में रातों की नींद और दिन का चैन रोज़ नीलाम किये चले जा रहे हो.
कुछ वक़्त देना चाहती हूँ अपने आपको, अपने ज़ख़्मों को, अपनी धड़कनों को. उन ज़ख़्मों को वक़्त देना है जिन पर वक़्त के साथ बस धूल जम गयी है. अब शायद कुरेदने पर भी दर्द ना हो, लेकिन ज़ख़्म तो फिर भी ज़ख़्म है उसे भरना होगा उसे इस बात का एहसास दिलाना होगा की वो भी किसी जीती लड़ाई या किसी सीखे हुए सबक़ की निशानी है.
दाद तो मैं उस चाँद की देती हूँ जिसे ना घटने का ख़ौफ़ है ना ग़ायब होने का. बस अंधेरे में लिपटा हुआ तन्हाई में मुस्कुराता हुआ हमें चंद लमहों के सुकून और अपने अंदर के तूफ़ान से रिहा कर चला जाता है.
जब ख़ुद का दिमाग़ ही तमाशा देखता रहे तो ग़ैरों के ज़माने को क्या और क्यों दोष दें.
हमारे इश्क़ का आलम तो देखिए जनाब, पहले हम उनके देखने का इंतज़ार करते थे अब हम उनके देख के अनदेखा करने का इंतज़ार करते हैं.
तुम्हारी याद में बेचैन होना और तुम्हारे इंतज़ार में सुकून ढूँढने की आदत पड़ गयी है मुझे.
इत्मिनान और क्लब के बीच की दूरी मिटाने के दरमियाँ सुकून कहीं खो गया और मैं गुमराह हो गयी.
जिन पर ऐतबार था उन्हें,
हमारे होने से ही ऐतराज था.

Thursday, 22 February 2018

But even if you don’t!

But even if you don’t conquer your storms, 
they will still pass;
Might break a part or two of you,
but aren’t you broken already? 
A crack in the soul
A few wounds in the heart
A bit of restlessness in the head
And that’s all that the storms can do
Shouldn’t you give them a chance
To do all that they can
And choose not to conquer
But float for a bit
With all your aches and pains
Exposed to the light, heat and dark.

Haven’t you given up on
Fighting with yourself
Hasn’t it been too long
Aren’t you done with the
Time you’ve given yourself
To heal and deal with all this?

Wednesday, 21 February 2018

It takes time!

It takes time,
To heal, to accept
To collect the pieces
Of your own self.

It takes time,
To believe
A lover is gone
The faith you had
Has vanished
As if it never was.

It takes time,
To escape
The vicious circle
Of the truth that
Has the power
To shred you
In more pieces
Than you can count.

It takes time,
To stitch
Yourself with the same
Needle that has been
Pricked in your heart.

It takes time,
To fight back
For some days
You just float
Without being what
You could and are.

It takes time,
Sometimes a lot
The rest of the times
More than a lot.

Monday, 12 February 2018

#ReleaseThePressure: It Is Not Worth It!

Yes! That's my provisional certificate, yes that's a second division and yes this is how it is. It has been two years to the result, nobody has asked me about it during any of my job interviews or internships. But, yes a certain set of people continue to ask-relish-dwell in it, for the reason best known to them.
I will not say that the result didn't matter to me, because duh! it did. It did quite a lot. I was disappointed with it despite being prepared for the same.

I had 73.5% in 12th and so I was obviously not allowed to expect some revolutionary score in my graduation. They had told me, for someone like you 90s shouldn't even be in the mind. They have been absolutely correct in saying so, amidst all the disappointment and shame I brought to them, this bit of keeping their word, I managed. I never got a 90% aggregate, LOL. Moreover, I wasn't even new to all this. Back then in school it was not only this bunch but an entire school faculty who had declared me as a loser. I am just glad that in college things changed. At least, professors stood by, people loved and all beautiful things happened.

It was probably the first time I realized there was more to me apart from being a dumb head at academics. A couple of professors counseled me, so many seniors stood by me even as I ranted and a huge gang of friends loved me despite all odds. I have been the department representative even after I scored shit marks in my semester exams. I was told that if I want to do what I want to, marks won't matter. That was the first time someone said that to me in the staff room, I was relieved like never before. But, all this happened in college!!

I had spent 14 years in school and nobody had the courage to say, 'That your low score will not kill you'. They chose to call up my parents to tell them how terrible I was at academics. This wasn't even new for them they had been a part of this drill since 6th grade, every second week they would call them up saying that I had failed in some subject. One of the teachers once said that its best if I repeat the year because that is going to be less embarassing than failing. YES! SHE SAID THAT. Surprisingly! I didn't feel weird after that maybe I had become immune to all of this. So, it wasn't that bad as I think of it now.

But, yes, if I am asked that will I ever be okay with taking my school's name as a part of a nice phase or something that happened for the good, then I am sorry that cannot happen. I am no God, I hated my school back then and I continue to hate it till date. IT SCREWED EXACTLY FOURTEEN YEARS OF MY LIFE.

I am a very proud-happy-alumni of the college I was a part of and have immense love and gratitude for it. It's THE reason for all the good that has happened. It has been and continues to be the best part of life and as far as I think it is going to remain that way.

I did some very interesting internships during college, learnt a lot and had a lot more fun. There was nobody who asked me about what I wanted to do with life or why I was in a particular college or how much I had scored in boards etc. I felt relieved, as if a boulder had been lifted from my chest. I met some amazing people as mentors, the people I still rush back to when I’m drowned in my mess. Yes! They still choose to stay with me, they still help me and they still wish good for me and yes, I know this for a fact.

If you know me you would know my relationship with Triveni Kala Sangam, even if you don’t I am sure you would have seen pictures of it I keep posting on Social Media. I found peace in that place, it felt like home, I felt beautiful, I felt at ease and most importantly I felt that I had the ability to not feel not okay.

Yes! It was that bad before college and Triveni.

Then came my first job, it was okayish. I was a content writer and the junior social media manager for a startup called Craterzone. My first salary was 20k and I was okay with it too. I worked there for a month and realised that I didn’t want to do something like that.

My second job was with the India Today Group, I worked there as a social media consultant for an year and it was lovely. I learnt a lot, met some nice and some very nice people and most importantly realised how important it is to be passionate. I saw people work for 18 hours at a stretch, I met people who would work for 12 hours for a video of 5 mins so that it could go viral and so much more

And currently I am with The Quint as a desk writer.

In all these events not a single person has asked me how much did I score in boards or in college, but unfortunately in every gathering I do find a bunch of people who are so interested in the moments of past that I fail to understand how un important the present is for them.

Anyway, grateful for all the good that has happened and for all the lessons that I learnt when less good happened. Immense gratitude for people who stayed and for the ones who chose to leave for the better. Shoutout and bear hugs for those who were there literally always and helped me survive on the days when the storm within overpowered me and I sincerely hope that I be there for you always.

Someone once told me: “There is no other way the world exists but in harmony”. I believe the person who said this and so I obviously believe in this too. Hope you believe this too, it’s beautiful. No?

Here’s hoping for harmony within and around. Love, peace, moon salutes and smiles, always!

P.S: My 12th board roll number: 5647753 (Batch of 2013)
My college exam roll number: 4121450036 (Batch of 2016)

You can check my marks anytime you want to.


Tuesday, 6 February 2018

For how long will you?

For how long will you dig the gold?
Out out of the cracks in your soul

For how long will you avoid healing?
So that can stop lusting for that good feeling

For how long will you fight yourself?
To give the right answers to them

For how long will you not weep?
To keep up with that notion of strength

For how long will you breathe?
Just to exist and not live

For how long will you chase?
The degree and not the dream

For how long will you walk?
On the pieces of your heart

For how long will you look at the clock?
That just passes time without feeling fine

For how long will you?

Wednesday, 31 January 2018

Out of love - 86!

Your un-fought battles aren’t your victories, they are an evidence of your fear for the battleground.
Under the sun it’s usually me,
Under the moon it’s always you.
If you choose to tolerate the pain to test your perseverance or for some other reason, despite having an option to get rid of it. Just know, that it’s a choice that you made.
Healing is not a choice, it’s a necessity. Give it the time, patience and warmth it deserves.
A heartbreak is an evidence of a beautiful bond and the fact that a heart just doesn’t only pump blood.
Trust, hope, faith, love and magic do not exist as a concept but then there is someone somewhere who has all these in you and that probably adds to the real quotient in these!
The feeling of less weak is maybe the beginning of experiencing strength.
Decisions have consequences and love is a conscious decision, to think it won’t have consequences is a thought you wish was true!
On the nights you can’t sleep
And on the days at work
Where you can’t breathe and weep
Remember, there’s a moon out there
And maybe and just maybe so
There is a bit of hope and solace
Out there and within.
But even if someday the darkness chooses to end, will you be able to accept the piercing light that will steal away all the solace and comfort darkness gave you?

Sunday, 28 January 2018

You Haven't Loved The Wrong Person!

You haven’t loved
The wrong person
There is no wrong person
To be loved
Haven’t you heard?
“Love is blind”
It can’t see, it can’t judge
It’s love not an answer sheet.

There is a reason why our
Schools are incapable of
Teaching love,
For every exam they take on it
For every grade they give for it
Will be killing it
And maybe that’s why they don’t.

You love or loved
Because you felt the need to
You made it your home
Because you craved for it
You gave it all
Because you wanted to.

It’s okay,
If your love wasn’t accepted
Or your lover failed to reciprocate it
You see love is an art
Selfless, pious and tough.

There will be people and beings
Who fall for it,
Some may fall in it,
But, you have no option
But to rise in it.

Those who can’t love back
Deserve love, yes, they do
Everything deserves love
How can they not!

And if lovers like us
Give up who is going
To help them fill
That void.

Yes, you’re heartbroken
Yes, you’re hurting
Yes, you’re giving up
But, NO, you can’t give up
On loving, on the concept of love
And most importantly on
Your ability to love.

It maybe okay someday
Or it may never be fine
But, never forget you’re
Blessed and so you love
And so you must continue
To love,
Now and ALWAYS.

Friday, 26 January 2018

ये कभी क्यूँ नहीं बताया किसी ने!

ये कभी क्यूँ नहीं बताया किसी ने
के ज़ख़्म है छर छरायेगा, दर्द होगा
तन्हाई का एहसास होगा
मकान के रहते भी घर की चाहत होगी.

ये कभी क्यूँ नहीं बताया किसी ने
की लोगों को घर बनाने से इत्मिनान
रत्ती भर का होगा लेकिन जाने का दुःख ऐसा
की ना बयान किया जाए ना अंदर दबाया जाए.

ये कभी क्यूँ नहीं बताया किसी ने
की खुले आमान के नीचे भी
दम घुट सकता, इंसान अंदर से मर सकता
है लेकिन ज़िंदा लाश की तरह फिर भी
चल सकता है.

ये कभी क्यूँ नहीं बताया किसी ने,
की प्यार है आसमान नहीं
वक़्त के साथ ख़त्म हो जाएगा
सब मिट्टी में मिल जाएगा
और ये प्रियतम बस तड़पता रह जाएगा.

ये कभी क्यूँ नहीं बताया किसी ने,
की ऐतबार का एहसास होना
उसका साथ होना
सब अलग है.

ये कभी क्यूँ नहीं बताया किसी ने,
की क्लब को इत्मिनान और
ज़ेहन का सुकून ना चाँद
की शीतलता ना सूर्य के तेज से मिलता है.

ये कभी क्यूँ नहीं बताया किसी ने,
की तुम भी औरों की
तरह एक दिन चले जाओगे
जाओ ना भी तो मर जाओगे.

ये कभी क्यूँ नहीं बताया किसी ने,
की थकना हमेशा हारना नहीं होता
क्या तुम भी कायर हो?
अपने ही सवालों से भयभीत?

Tuesday, 16 January 2018

The Finest Shoulder Pain!

Their is a certain charm to a terrible almost life taking shoulder pain. You suddenly start realising the weight of your head, and trust me it seems to be heavier than a big boulder, a little left and right you move your face and damn you will realise the value of all Gods that have ever existed for the human race.

The worst part, it is nothing! Yes, that is what it is, NOTHING. No fracture, rupture etc, it is just plain - raw- blatant pain. If I had to express how it feels like, I would probably compare it to a lonely night without the moon. As if your wounds have been left open, heat burns it, cold winds pinch it and of course ignorance by beloveds aggravates it.

The most beautiful part of this thing is, you are constantly claiming to be okay, because; Duh! Shoulder pain at 21 is no excuse. So yes, you are constantly in pain, internally screaming externally smiling. Nobody even know about it and there is hardly anything you can do about it either.

However, a warm hug, maybe a good coffee and a heating pad could be your best friends, but alas; people like me hardly get the best. Rest obviously is up to time and Dua!

So here I am, ranting, whining and cribbing. That’s all. Oh yes! I have been using the Moov spray more than my deodorants. I smell of Moov. Now can this pain please move on and away?

Monday, 15 January 2018

Dealing With It!

There will be and they better be times when you don’t feel like not being what you are. Existence as a concept feels tedious exhausting and to some extent useless too. Sleep doesn’t kiss and you wake up feeling tired. The whole process of getting out of bed seems like a war. A war that you know you will lose.

It’s in those times, you would want to thank your head that has been so heavy on your shoulder for pushing you. On such days a warm hug could just maybe help you breathe a little more with ease. It would probably help you realise that maybe it is not all that bad even though you know it is much worse than what you choose to accept. But, has a dose of love harmed anyone as yet?

Love has done good to me, till now at least. Hugs, coffee and an exemplary mentor has been there all this while. You know it helps to have someone. Someone you can talk to, someone who will always be there or so you believe, someone who has the patience to listen to your rants, someone who will be there to say, it’ll all be okay.

Maybe this is our survival kit. Maybe this our bad day box love. Maybe this just is what it is!