कुछ अल्फ़ाज़ बस यूँही - 20!

जो दिल और जान आज़ादी पर क़ुर्बान है,
वो आज़ादी ना जाने किस पिंजरे पर फ़िदा है.
—————
जिस पर फ़िदा हों, उस पर क़ुर्बान होने का ग़म कभी नहीं होता.
————
जब अल्फ़ाज़ों से हाल-ऐ-दिल ब्यां ना हो पाए,
तो अंदर चल रहे सैलाब को वक़्त,
और आखों को अभिव्यक्त करने का मौक़ा दे देना चाहिए.
——————-
अगर अपने हिस्से का आसमान मिल भी जाए, तब भी क्या आसमान के हिस्से होते हुए देख पाओगे?
——————
जब दिल को दाँव पर रख कर, जान की बाज़ी खेली है, तो डर से रिशता तो तोड़ना ही पड़ेगा.
———————-
जब ज़माना नफ़रत का पैग़ाम बाटने लगे,
तो हम जैसे नाचीजों पर इश्क़ का परचम लहराने की ज़िम्मेदारी आ ही जाती है.
————
इश्क़, अश्क़ और इंतज़ार की वजह ढूँढने ना निकल, ना जाने कब वो मिल जाये और तू ख़ुद टूट जाए.
—————-
ज़रा सी मोहब्बत की आदत क्या पड़ी,
यह दिल तो तन्हाई का पता ही भूल गया.
——————-
भुलाते तो उन्हें हैं, जिन्हें याद किया हो,
उन्हें कैसे भुलाएँ जो यादों का वजूद हो.
—————
ख़्वाहिशों और अर्ज़ियों के बीच ही कहीं उलझ कर रह गया वो बेचारा सुकून.

इश्क़ और मेरी कभी जमी नहीं!

इश्क़ और मेरी कभी जमी नहीं,
ना उसने मुझे कभी अपनी डोर से बांधा
ना मैंने कभी उसे अपनी ज़ंजीरों से जकड़ा.

हाँ, बस एक दूसरे
की आँखों में झाँक कर
उस उमहड़ते सैलाब
को देख कर ज़रा मुस्कुरा
ज़रूर लिया करते थे.

बहुत शानदार दर्पण होती है,
लेकिन ना जाने वो सब कैसे
छुपा लेती हैं
ना जाने कितने राज़
बिन बताये किसी कोने में
दबा लेती है.

लेकिन, वो उन तमाम राज़
से जो वाक़िफ़ है,
वो उन आँखों में क्या ढूँढता है?
अपना सुकून?
या मेरे वो टुकड़े
जिनका ना मुझे इल्म
है ना एहसास है?

मैं उसकी आँखों
में चाँद सी ठंडक
और सूर्य जितना तेज
देख कर मुस्कुरा लेती थी.

ऐसे ही बस आँखों
की बातें हुआ करती थी,
और अब नहीं होती.

ना उसके पास कोई लफ़्ज़ हैं,
ना मेरे पास अल्फ़ाज़,
पर एक एहसास है,
गुज़रा हुआ, बीता हुआ
और वो बहुत है.

If you think, I don’t love you enough!

If you think
I don’t love you enough
You’re right,
Because no amount of love
Will ever be sufficient for you.

You are made for all the love
The universe and beyond
Has to offer and all my love
For you will always be
A tiny particle of
What you deserve.

For all the times
I have looked into your eyes
You have made me
Rise and shine in your love.

I am no lover,
I never was
I never will be
But for all the love
I contain, will
Always be a part of you.

ग़ुस्से का असमंजस!

अगर तुम्हें लग रहा है
कि मेरे अंदर ग़ुस्सा भरा
है तो तुम ग़लत नहीं हो,
लेकिन सही इसलिए नहीं हो,
क्यूँकि जिसे तुम ज़रा सा ग़ुस्सा
समझ रहे हो, वो,
ग़ुस्से का सैलाब है
फटने की कगार पर है;
अगर फट गया तो
दिमाग़ की चीथड़े
और दिल के टुकड़े
हो जाएँगे
और जो ना फटा तो
अंदर सब राख हो जाएगा.

शायद इसलिए ही किसी ने
सोच समझ कर कहा था कि
ग़ुस्सा मत करना,
ग़ुस्से से कुछ अच्छा नहीं होगा,
लेकिन अब
उस दोराहे पर खड़े हो कर
यह सोच कर भी क्या.

जब फ़ैसला सिर्फ़ इस बात
का होना है,
की जल कर राख होना है
या जलते हुए को ख़ाक
होते देखना है.

Tabla: A form of love and patience!

The thing with this instrument, the Tabla is that it teaches you how important it is to love. But, more importantly it teaches you the relevance of waiting for the love of your life. It takes courage to love, huge amounts of courage. But, waiting for love takes courage, perseverance, poise, madness and strength. You have to wait, rehearse, ache to get the right note. There will be days when every ounce of you will hurt only because there is so much that you can derive from it. It’s going to make you stronger, compassionate and more importantly it will make you question your love for it which will eventually make you fall harder for it and once you start falling harder for it, the tabla makes you rise. You rise, you rise higher and then you reach a point where neither does success and happiness matter nor does your pain. All that matters is your love for the beautiful note of the tabla that you’ve been practising for years just to feel how it feels to get it just perfect!

On that night I wanted!

That night I wanted
To scream at her,
I wanted to tell her
That I needed her
Much more than
I could ever love her.

That night I wanted
Her to stay and not leave
I wanted the time to
Help us, see each other
Heal and deal.
But,
On that fateful night
She didn’t stay
The time refused to stop
And, so
I moved on.

Out of love - 85!

Your ignorance doesn’t hurt anymore, not sure whether numb or just immune.
————
There was a time when I was,
Afraid of the thought of being alone.
Today, I’m lonely and have no time
To care or think about it!
——————
No, you aren’t an emotion. You’re the expression they use to articulate all the beautiful emotions.
——————
What else can you do except sparing a gaze or two?
—————
Destruction is your symbol
Of power
Construction is mine;
I will not let your power
Tame my share of offering
To the world and the universe.
——————
When the sky comes to you, make sure you don’t make it feel like a ceiling!
——————
You're beautiful, but it is the concept of you that satiates my eyes and soul.
——————
If you can’t capture it recreate it.
————————
Had you been the love of my life
I would have forgotten you,
But alas,
You’re the very essence, fragrance and concept of love that I have embraced
How do I even think of discarding, forgetting and moving away from it?
——————-
But, those eyes always meant magic to me.

On the nights I can’t sleep!

On the nights
I can’t sleep
I thank.

I thank the person
Who I love with all
That I have
And
Who in return has
No time or desire to acknowledge
My love.

I thank because
Despite all odds
I have had the courage
To love
And love again
To care
And care always.

I thank because
I have known how pious
It is to love someone
Without getting anything in return
To have discovered
What unconditional feels like.

And,
So on the nights,
I can’t sleep
I choose to thank.

कुछ अल्फ़ाज़ बस यूँही - 19!

उस सुकून की ज़ंजीर को
एक बार तो जकड़ लेने दो.
—————-
अभिव्यक्ति का हर ख़तरा उठाना ही पड़ता है,
वरना अंदर के तूफ़ान का सैलाब सब राख कर देता है.
—————-
अब तो तुमको भी पता है की तुम धड़कन नहीं, धड़कन होने का अहसास हो.
——————
जो पहले रोज़ हाल पूछा करते थे
आज वो हालात तक जानने की
ज़हमत नहीं उठाते.
—————-
ना वक़्त थमेगा, ना ज़िंदगी.
हाँ, तुम चाहो तो कुछ देर,
रुक कर,
चैन से साँस ले सकते हो!
——————-
जज़्बातों के शमशान में
एक आँसु की बूँद
अमृत से कम नहीं होती.
——————-
वो दिन आएगा
एक दिन
जब बदलेगा यह जहाँ
गाएगा आसमान
नाचेगा हर इंसान
वक़्त थामेगा हर लम्हा
——————-
आख़िर क्यूँ करते हो, इज़हार को इंकार;
क्या जानते नहीं छुपाते नहीं छुपता
डर और प्यार।
——————-
मिज़ाज है ख़ूबसूरती का, आँखों को चैन और मन बेचैन करके चले जाना.
————
दर्द से अगर रिहाई ना भी मिले तो पल दो पल का आराम ही सही.

That night I was telling her a story!

That night I was telling her a story.
A story that I had written.
A story that I told everybody
that I made up,
while everybody except her knew
That it was not a story
It was my 21 years of life
Compiled in approximately
Two hundred and fifty words.

That night I was telling her a story
A story she seemed to be interested in,
A story she knew was everything
That I wanted the world outside
To believe as fiction.

That night I was telling her a story
Of all that had happened to me
Including the failures
That broke me, tore me, made me;
The kind of failures that taught me
How un-important it is to lust and drool
Over those notions of success.

That night I was telling her a story
From my heart without the dictation
Of my head and logic.
It had all my passions, fantasies, dreams
And lots more of magic.

That night I was telling her a story
While she was looking at me with
Her closed eyes under that white sheet
In which she was covered with;
She was not breathing,
But I knew she was alive
She had promised me
She wouldn’t die
And I believed her.

And so, that night I was telling her a story.

So, let’s make peace with it!

So, let’s make peace with it today
For once and for all.
I love you
And you don’t have the time
To acknowledge my love for you
But, you don’t mind me
Putting in all that effort
Because it’s a reason
For you to boast to people
“oh look at that crazy human
That human like, shit worthy thing
Could do anything for me
And I wouldn’t have to
Care a damn about it”
Woha! That’s so much for
Your pride, such a massage
For your ego.

I am glad I love you
I am glad that I still
Have the ability to
Give you more,
To pour in more
Love for you
Because I love you
From all that I have.

I am proud of the
Love, care and affection
I shower on you
Because, damn! If you look
Through my eyes
You would realise
That you deserve every
Ounce of it.

It’s okay,
You don’t have my eyes
You don’t see what I do
And so you choose to
Do what you do.

It’s fine
For you to be
Ignorant and arrogant
After all I’m not going anywhere
I’ve given you the liberty
To treat me as you like
So maybe this is what I deserve

But, rest assured
Loving you has taught me
How beautiful it is
To love unconditionally
And be comfortable
With not being or meaning
Anything to the beloved.

Thank you, you
I love you

Diwali 2017!

My grandfather has always been a man of few words. He didn’t write much. He was a Mathematics professor and loved the subject with utmost purity and sincerity. He used to tell me how Maths took him to places and it was his duty to make maths reach people. I didn’t like the subject and he never made any remarks on that he was okay with it, he valued my choices. He often used to say if you have to ever choose between work and worship make sure you choose work; because it is your work that will help you gain the trust of people and trust is the most important achievement in life. He made me realise how winning hearts and gaining trust are two very different yet equally important things. He had a certain glow in his eyes always. You could call it a symbol of the most pious soul or my obsession with finding a tinch of light in eyes. It’s been more than 7 years since he embraced the skies yet it feels as if he is just right next to me. His gorgeousness remains crystal clear in my head. He was obsessed with standing by people he loved. But, the major problem was he loved everybody in his life. Even if someone met him once he would make sure that he stands with him/her when they needed him. When I used to ask him the logic behind this he’d just say that the we don’t need to understand or decode people, we just need to stand by them when they need it, maybe give them a hug when they’re low. Now, that I think of it, I think he was right! What else would you want except a warm hug on a tough day? Damn! I realised it a bit too late. I used to think that the only emotion that exists is love. Until, he made me believe in how love is not an emotion but an essential for the world. I used to tell him I feel loved, he used to correct me by saying you’re surrounded by love. I am yet differentiate between the two. Tonight, I am sitting at my office desk, while everyone out there is celebrating Diwali and damn I am not sad or cranky about it. I am absolutely fine with it. Seems like Grandpa knew the plan of action of life before he made a place amongst those stars up there.
Happy Diwali, world! 💛

No, it's not okay!

No!
It’s not okay
To not be okay;
So,
Choose
Choose to speak
Choose to scream
Choose to express.

You deserve all the
Light, shine and glory
You deserve to be okay
You deserve to be
All smiles all the time.

Anxiety and depression
Are real, but rest assured they
Aren’t real good friends
So make sure
You don’t sit with them forever
Get rid of it, talk about it.

Just as wounds heal
With medication and time
This too shall,
Just give it sometime
To heal with love and therapy.

There is hope
You are hope
Live, love, laugh.

Out of love - 84!

Questions are bound to make you uncomfortable, they aren't your Lullaby after all!
------
But, if you don't believe in magic, how will you have faith in hope?
---------
Everything's fine, dude
It's just that the little
Slimy heart,
Won't let you be okay
With concept of
Being
And
Being okay.
-----------
When logic has given up, it's always magic that winks and prevails.
--------
Just like broken crayons continue colouring, broken hearts continue bleeding love!
----------
The rebel.
The revolution.
The war.
All lies right in the center of the throat. 

Usually, choked!
--------
Light doesn't shine, it just glows;
Just like the breeze which heals the soul.
--------
The moon doesn't heal anymore,
The cracks of the soul now feel like scars. Numb, ugly and helpless.
---------
You capture only what you cannot keep. No wonder it's always said "smile please".
----------
You need to embrace the expression of those who express the parts of you.

On some nights, I crave!

On some nights I crave
For my sister’s motherly love
The love that heals
That knows how to deal
With the anxiety of being
The love that has the power
To make scars feel like tattoos.

On some nights I crave
For her lap, on which I keep my mind
And not my jet black hairy head
Her lap, makes me feel safe
Away from nightmares and horror
The way she brushes my hair
Allows me to find peace in
The pace of my breath

On some nights I crave
For the silence I feel within
When she keeps her hand on my head
On some nights I crave
I crave for the
Magic, strength and solace
I only find in her.

THIS POEM WAS EARLIER PUBLISHED ON ARTIST ADDRESS

सुना है की तुम!

सुना है की तुम
इस ख़ुश रहने की तलब में
अंधे हो गए हो
सुना है की तुम
अपने आप को ढूँढने की हवस में
अंधे हो गए हो.

सुना है की तुम
अपनी आवाज़ को सुनने
से पहले ही सहम गए हो
अपने आपको पहचानने के ख़याल से
ही कुछ डर से गए हो. 

सुना है की तुम
आजकल देखने, सुनने, चाहने
से पहले ही एक ना ख़त्म
होने वाली दौड़ में
कुत्तों की तरह
चीते से तेज़
भागने लगे हो.

सुना है की
अब तुम सुनते नहीं
सिर्फ़ सुन होते हो,
बस,
इतना ही सुना है
मैंने अपने दिल से
अपने ज़मीर के लिए
और दिमाग़ के ख़िलाफ़.

Have faith on your sweat!

They’d want you to
Trust them,
For they have built that
Bridge of trust in your head.

They’ll want you to believe
That they are here for you
For your good, for you better
While you continue to burn.

As you burn in the fire
Of self, they’ll chill
Tell you to follow
The path they made.

By the time you’re
In ashes they will
Just laugh off
And walk away.

You can’t hold them
Can’t rush to them
For a hug, or
A blanket of solace.

But, yet they’ll
Stand right there
On top of your
Head and chest.

Compressing your head
Dancing on your chest
Making you gasp
For your breath.

The truth is,
They don’t want your good
They don’t know you
They don’t know your good.

It’s only you
Who has to
Suffer, strive and survive
It’s always been that way.

Don’t worry,
You’ll manage
Have faith, on your sweat
If not on time!

Tonight I want to heal!

Tonight I want to heal
Heal the places
That have forgotten to hurt
Despite their urge to.

Every corner where pain
Resides is an evidence of
The pieces that once
Completed me.

Today, I am
What my remains
Have made me
And it's today
That I take pride in them.

I know it's going
To get better
I know I will
Make it better.

The moon is there with me
You are there with me
I am there with me
What else will the 'me' ever need?

We will build magic
Bit by bit, piece by piece
Yet again
Now, for forever.

You don't have to!

You don't have to
hold me,
I swear you don't have to,
Just stand right next to me
laugh, watch, make fun of me
as I fall
but, just be there
That's all the balm
I need
and all the calm
I want.

It's okay if you aren't okay
with me not being okay
at times,
I am miserable, vulnerable, terrible
But, you know you aren't that
So, just remind me to breathe
even on the days when there is
no oxygen left on heaven, hell and Earth.

Just, drive me into a delusion
that some day, some time
all this pain and struggle
would mean nothing.
Nothing at all
And, also let me believe
that you will stay,
no matter what.

Defining the always
in the forever
by, being the balm
to the remains of my soul.

Just tell me that you will stay,
stay always and forever.

                                                 

कहो की सुना है!

कहो की सुना है
कहो की सुनना चाहते हो
कहो की वक़्त है
और तुम उसे बाँटना चाहते हो
कह दो. कहना ही तो है.

मैं मान जाऊँगी
हर बार की तरह
इस बार भी
बेवक़ूफ़ बन जाऊँगी.

तुम्हें तो बस कहना है
पर हर ज़ख़्म तो
मुझे अकेले ही सहना है
तो तुम कह दो.

दो पल की सही
ख़ुशी तो मिलेगी
एक पल का सही
चैन तो आएगा.

ज़ंजीरें तोड़ते और
आज़ादी के ख़्वाब
देखते अब काफ़ी
वक़्त हो गया है.

दिल के चीथडों
और दिमाग़ के टुकड़ों
पर ज़िंदगी सिमट
सी गयी है.

पर अब ना तुम
बहलाते हो ना बहकाते हो
ना कहानी ना क़िस्से सुनाते हो
क्या तुम भी अब
कुछ कह नहीं पाते हो?

                                           

कुछ अल्फ़ाज़ बस यूँही - 18!

ना उन्हें फ़िक्र है ना,
हमारे होने का इल्म.
पर फिर भी उनकी याद में
दिल बहलाना भी क्या बुरा है.
----------
खिलाड़ी बने चले थे, ज़िंदगी ने खेल बना कर रख दिया.
--------
आज उसने फिर रुला दिया,
कमबख्त ने आंसू चुरा कर
फिर उस मुस्कान को होठों पर चिपका दिया.
चीखते दिल और दहाडते ज़मीर को
आज फिर उसने चुप करा दिया.
--------
इस सैलाब को तुम क्या रोकोगे,
ये तो ख़ुद ही अपनी बबसि का
मोहताज है.
-------
ये जो तुम मेरे भरोसे के रोज़ चीथड़े करके, मेरे ज़मीर का मज़ाक़ उड़ा देते हो. शर्म नहीं आती जब इस दागबाज़ी को भलाई की चादर के नीचे छुपा देते हो?
--------
तुम्हारी आँखें वो मरहम हैं,
जो तुम्हारी बातों के ज़ख़्म को,
अनदेखा करने पर मजबूर कर देती हैं.
----------
ये बेख़ौफ़ ख़याल ही तो हैं,
जिन्होंने साँसों में ज़िंदगी फूँकी है;
वरना सवालों के जवाब धूँडने की
हवस ने तो ना जाने कब का मार दिया होता.
--------
यूँ तो लफ़्ज़ों से कुछ होगा नहीं, लेकिन तन्हाई बाटने और बयान करने के लिए कोई ना सही कुछ तो चाहिए ही.
---------
दिल के चीथडों के बीच,
जब धड़कन बंजर ही सही,
चल रही हैं,
तो ये बीच राह में
हार मानने वालों हम कौन होते है?
--------
आँखों के अन्दाज़ - ए- बयां के आगे लफ़्ज़ अक्सर हार ही जाते हैं.

Why? I don't know!

It's 11:30pm now,
And it's been exactly
72 hours to the last time
I slept.

Why? I don't know.

I haven't been able to sleep
The volcano within doesn't let me
It is boiling, burning, urging
To explode, but it won't.

Why? I don't know.

It is as if the oxygen
I breathe has become poison
For the sound of my breath
Just doesn't seem normal.

Why? I don't know.

The morning sun
Has become the reason
For my soul to burn
Without leaving its ash.

Why? I don't know.

The hope that I believe in
Isn't there to hold me
The faith that once kissed me
Has now abandoned me

Why? I don't know.

The moon that once
Embraced all my insecurities
Now refuses to
Look at them

Why? I don't know.

Yet, you see
I survive
How and why?
I don't know.

                                                       

Hot chocolate!

There's so much
To a warm cozy
Cup of hot chocolate.

The warmth that heals
The coldness
The sweetness that encounters
The bitterness
The smoothness that eliminates
The roughness.

As I sit and sip
The divine drink
A sense of gratitude
Trickles down my soul
An essence of content
Massages my forehead
And a happy vibe
Compliments my heartbeat.

There's so much
To a cup of hot chocolate
Rest assured,
There will be something
To life too.

Thank you, corner!

You have made me believe
That corners are meant
For just punishments
And it's the centre
Which gets all the glory.

You have made me believe
That whatever is small
And not wide and bright
Deserves to be sidelined
And thrown away in a corner.

But, you didn't tell me
That once in a while
When the light will
Hurt my eyes
I will crave for a corner.

A corner where
The light feels dark
And feeling gets transformed
Into numbness
And just then
I will be fine

Corners don't need
Your glory
They don't need anything
For they are the ones
You rush to
When the sky doesn't
Accommodate you.

Yes, it's just when
The sky shows you
Your failure
And you feel
Out of place
In a place where
There is so much space
You rush to the corner.

Yet, you call the corner
A punishment.
How ungrateful are you?
How wretched are you?
How broken are you?

It's all fine!

You know everything is fine 

Just as fine you want to believe

Don't initiate those conversations
Where you want to dig the fine-ness.

It's all fine, the demons within
Will remain within and that's fine

Exposing those demons, hurricanes and tornados
Will kill our vibe of fine, so let it be.

You're asking me this question,
And you know I will give you that answer.

So, don't
Just don't

At least, for this one last time
Try to give in.

I am trying to not give up
But, my patience and perseverance...

Just let me sleep
thru all this

And wake me up
When it's okay to not be fine.

Out of love - 83!

The glamour of expression lies in its power to reach the places where light has hit hard and darkness has refused to heal.
--------
Expression is revolutionary
--------
There must have been something that must have taught you to breath in a coffin.
---------
It's never a question that's answered, it's always an answer that leads to a question.
------
We're all slaves of science.
-------
And one day when it's gone forever, instead of staying forever just let that phase not be disgraceful
--------
And sometimes
And I repeat sometimes
You must slit open yourself
To just check that there's blood
And not venom,
Just not as yet, atleast

--------
You aren't doing justice if you're just crossing the boundary. Don't cross it, tear it, break it, destroy it to the point it never dares to stop someone from doing and believing what they are capable of!
--------
Things will eventually fall in place & after that they'll fall off. It's just winter summer spring & finally autumn.
--------
Sky is not the limit, it's just an evidence that limits are inexistent!

Not for use!

So you think
I'm useless
Ha! You aren't wrong
I never said I'd be useful
I never claim to be
So either
Because, you know what
Whatever you use
You will eventually
If not immediately
Discard.

I'm not sacred of failures
Nor am I afraid of rejection
But, I don't deserve
To be thrown away
Just because you think
You're done with me.

I love you, obviously
But, I love myself too
And, the best deal
About this business of love
Is to not let anyone including self
Let you down
Or
Discard you
And so I choose
Not to be of
Any use to you.

Use-ables will be thrown
Unused would just be looked
Down upon
And in this quest
You could either do away
With looks
Or just remain
Shook with all
The filth a trash can
Can contain.

It's okay,
You don't have
To think
I've chosen
The easier option
The one in which
I might not fail
And that obviously
Is doing away
With looks.

I look at what
I want to
And if you
Look at me like
A hungry wolf
I'm sorry
I'll have to
Do away with
Your eyes
That once used
To keep me hook!

Out of love - 82!

Love isn't meant to do any good to you, it just builds a crack in you where all the light can enter, they usually call that crack a heartbreak
-------
Our battles are more of giving in more than giving up.
---------
The only serious problem is that we don't take our serious problems seriously!
---------
We fuck up more than a lot of times, but let's not live in the delusion that it is all okay and normal. There is no pride or glory in screwing things up. It is shit. And shit can never be a perfume even if it is normal af! You fuck up, you suffer; that is it.
--------
Let the pain consume you;
Maybe that is the only way
You will realise how important
It is to not underestimate the same.

Rest assured, you'll emit all the gold and light in the end!y
---------
Write your autobiography and categorize it as fiction, because looking back is just as unreal as it gets!
----------
A shot in the heart kills
A shot through the heart doesn't let you die while killing you every moment
-----------
If you don't consume pain, then how will you bleed art?
--------
It's okay if you think my dreams are unreal, I've spent a major part of time believing the same too!
-----------
It's the lust for victory that has killed the humanity inside out!

किससे, कहानी और तुम!

ये जो कहानियाँ पढ़ कर तुम सब अपना दिल बहला लेते हो, उन कहानियों के पीछे छुपे क़िस्से को जानने का मन नहीं करता? ये जो तुम हर चीज़ को कह देते हो की ये सिर्फ़ कहानी उसके पीछे छुपी सचाई को देखने से डर लगता है क्या? हर कहानी क़िस्सों से बनती है, और क़िस्से बनते हैं ज़िंदगी के हर उस पल से जो इस बात का इल्म कर देके ये ज़िंदगी है और इसको जीना है. हाँ, यहाँ बहुत लोग हैं. इतने लोग की तुम शायद खो जाओ इनके. लेकिन कभी सोचा है इन सबके क़िस्से कहानी क्यूँ नहीं बन पाते? ये जो नहीं सोचने वाली सोच है ना, यही है जो हमें खा रही है. तुम्हें भी और मुझे भी. इससे पहले की यह हमे खा जाए अपना क़िस्सा किसी अपने को ज़रूर सुना देना, क्या पता उसे एक कहानी और तुम्हें एक दोस्त मिल जाए.

वैसे तो ऐसा कोई मिलेगा या नहीं यह कहना मुश्किल है लेकिन अगर तुम चाहो तो दीवारों को भी अपनी कहानी सुना सकते हो, वो क्या है ना दीवारों के कान होते हैं; और इंसानो की तरह ना दिल होता है ना दिमाग़. मैं भी आजकल अपनी दीवार को अपनी कहानी सुना रही हूँ और वो रोज़ बिना कुछ कहे सुन लेती है. सहारा भी दे देती है और छोड़ कर चले जाने वाली धमकी भी नहीं देती.

लेकिन तुम ऐसा मत करना, ख़ैर तुम्हारे पास तो लोग भी बहुत हैं इसलिए शायद मेरे लिए तुम 2 मिनट तक नहीं निकाल पाते, ख़ैर कोई बात नहीं कोई काम होगा; या फिर मुझसे ना बात करने वाला काम भी तो काम ही है तुम्हारे लिए वो ही काम शायद कर रहे होगे. कोई बात नहीं. अब मुझे आदत पड़ गयी है. लेकिन तुम्हें ऐसी आदत ना पड़े इसका मैं हमेशा पूरा ख़याल रखूँगी. लिखना तो नहीं चाहती लेकिन फिर भी लिख देती हूँ क्यूँकि वैसे भी रोज़ मन मारती ही हूँ तो आज एक और बार सही.

तुम बस अपना क़िस्सा सुनाते रहना हम भी सुनते रहेंगे, हमेशा.

                                         

It is not that bad, after all!

If you think hope
Keeps you intact
You aren't totally wrong
Because believe it or not
Our delusions and illusions
Have always been
As important as what
They call facts and science.

They won't let you
Believe in magic
Because that will
Fail their lust for
Logic and science
But, rest assured the
Components of your
Very own unheard
Dreams are as real.

This uncontrollable lust
For science and logic
Makes wars and times
Oh so tragic
Yet, they drool
All over that filth.

Don't be filthy
Don't be jealous
For an eye for
An makes the world blind.

Believe in love
And in peace
It's all real
Till you believe.

Don't spit the venom
Help people clean it
What's within
And around
For some have to give
For others to feel
The bliss of taking
The beauty that surrounds.

कुछ अल्फ़ाज़ बस यूँही - 17!

इतनी समझ कभी ना आये, की मोहब्बत और भरोसा करने से पहले आँख खोलनी पड़े.
------
वक़्त आने पर अपनों का पता चले या ना चले, परायों का पता तो चल ही जाता है.
--------
तेरी हर ख़्वाहिश का ख़याल रखती हूँ
बस यूँही बेवजह
अपने हर ख़्वाब को भुला देती हूँ
बस यूँही बेवजह
तेरी हर मुस्कान की इबादत करती हूँ
बस यूँही बेवजह.

शायद इस बेवजह की
वजह से हूँ मैं आज
बस यूँही बेवजह.
----------
हालत का इल्म नहीं, और चले हैं हाल समझने.
--------
तो आज फिर, रात का अँधेरा और चाँद की रोशनी ही सुनेंगे मेरे किसे. वो जनाब बात कुछ यूँ है की लोग कहानियाँ पसंद करते हैं पर मेरे पास कहानी नहीं क़िस्से हैं. तो मैं इस अंधेरे में दुबकी हुई तन्हाई को ही सुना देती हूँ अपना किसा क्या पता ये तन्हाई ही इस क़िस्से में कोई कहानी ढूँढ़ ले.
-------
किसी ने कभी कहा नहीं था की सुकून आपके दर आएगा, अब आप ख़ुद ही ऐसे ख़्वाब देखें और ज़माने को दोष दें तो यह आपकी बेवक़ूफ़ी है.
-------
क्यूँकि ये प्यार सिर्फ़ मेरा है, और हमारा नहीं इसलिए इस प्यार का सारा दर्द मेरा और हर ख़ूबसूरत अहसास तुम्हारा. तुम्हारी ख़ुशी के लिए आज भी और हमेशा कुछ भी.
---------
ये ज़ख़्म भर जाएगा
इस ज़ख़्म का दर्द भी
हार मान जाएगा
पर इस ज़ख़्म का
एहसास एक दिन
किसी मंज़िल पर
पहुँचा कर ही मानेगा
-----------
तुम हमारी दाद दो या ना दो, हमारी शिद्दत की दाद तो देनी ही पड़ेगी. आसान थोड़ी है तुम्हारे जवाब ना देने के बाद भी हर रोज़ उम्मीद करना की तुम्हें हो ना हो हमारी फ़िक्र ना सही परवा तो है.
--------
अब मुझे मरहम का नहीं, उस ज़ख़्म का इन्तज़ार है जिसका मरहम मेरे पास है.

----------

Battle it, with love, dignity and grace!

The battle that we are
Trying to fight
Everyday
Every minute
Every second
Is not easy.

Yes, it's not easy
It never was
It never will be
But, does that mean
It's difficult?
Or does it mean
It's not just easy?

In this not so easy
Battle we all
Damage parts of us
Yes, including
The damn
Mind body and soul
But, does that mean
We give up?

Or do we ever give up
Or it's just always
Giving in and
Getting labeled
As if you
Gave up?

You give in
You lose
You give up
You lose 

You fight
You lose
You just lose
All the damn time.

But, still
Does that mean
You stop fighting?
Does that mean
You stop embracing
Your wounds?

Or does it just
Mean that
Anger, rage and disruption
Is not a battle
But a mere part of life
Which you can hug, kiss
And deal with it
With dignity and grace!

Out of love - 81!

All the pride you take in not giving a damn about each other, is actually the tightest slap on compassion and humanity.
-------
It's not dead. It's dying. The difference is what kills.
------
But, how will you destroy me when I've already destroyed myself for you!
-----
The purity of your hurt, still pains the pieces of me!
------
Don't pretend to empathise till the time you aren't equipped enough to embrace each other's everyday battles and struggles.
--------
Fragments of memoirs and fragrance of memories; kills and keeps me, together.
----------
With time, neither did I change nor did you; all that changed was our struggle and priority!
----------
When you end it, end it with grace, love and dignity; so that you don't demean what once was!
-------
I've finally made peace with the fact that you don't care, now the least you can do to and for me is not pretend to care, yet again!
----------
The inability of expression is what keeps the streak of expression alive.

You know if you know!

You know if you know,
I love you and
You choose to exploit me
I won't be surprised,
Because, I've loved you
Loved you with all I've.

But, it's me who has
Made the choice to love you
Even if not consciously
Then maybe sub - consciously
And, you in no way
Are ever bound to love me back.

It's my love after all
My mistake or my solace
That's a problem
I deal with
And rest assured
You will never know
What good, bad and ugly it has
Done to me.

Now, that you've chosen
To exploit me
For all you want
I don't blame you
And I don't blame
Myself either
For getting exploited
Because, you know
I didn't use my head
To love.

Even after you've done
What to me wasn't the
Best you could
I still will choose
To love you
Yes, like always
As always
For that's what
I've known
And, rest assured
You won't be able to
Change that, ever.

Stay, be, do
What you may choose to
But, rest assured
I'll always be there for you
Even if you choose not to.

You know it because!

You know it
Because you made it
You made something similar
To what they call an artist
From a crazy escapist.

You know it
Because when academics
Had given up
And, people were totally fed up
You were there.

You know it because
When they thought
I had lost all my
Unfought battles
You thought how
Important it was to
End battles

Because, they anyway
Did no good.

You know it because
I would have never
Got ready at 6:30am
For something
I never knew
Could be real
Because I never
Gave it my best shot.

You know it because
When they were
Finding sins in my colours
And crimes in the strokes of my brush
You were there to call it
Art.

You know it because
It's only you who knows
The word ART
Has pinched me
Much more than my
Board exam result
My failed Physics exams
And more.

You know it because
When I would play Tabla
You would always want me
To cross a benchmark
That I had decided for myself
So, that I could sleep well that night.

You know it because
Every time I try to write
Something
You already know why I
Wrote it.

You know it because
Every time I had a bad day
And you would call up
And say, "Are you at Perch again?"
And with that question
You would just say
"Don't worry, it's all sorted"

You know it because
Every time I would
Enter Triveni you knew
I was looking for something
That could heal my soul
And ease my mind.

You know it because
When people are
All busy giving me
Blue ticks on Whatsapp
You were right there sitting
Right across me not letting me
Take a selfie with you
So that our memories
Couldn't have memoirs
And once you were gone
I wouldn't have to bear
The pain of our heartfelt memories.

You know it because
I have never spoken
To you about my problems

Because you already knew the
Hurricane inside me
And always had that answer
"No sorrow deserves more than 72 hours"

But,
Now you're gone
You aren't even gone
You're dead
And I don't know how
To proceed ahead.

It's been exactly
3 days and I'm over the sorrow
Or that's what I want to believe
Because that's what you said
But, what do I do with that
Hollow thing
Which is not letting my lungs
Function properly ?

You told me how to deal
With failure and sorrow
But, how did you forget
To tell me what do I do
With a feeling so
Suffocating and hollow?

You know, Dada
You know it because
You just always know
Everything because
You just do.

It's okay dada,
Don't worry, it'll all be good
Even if it's up there
Or down here
Don't worry!

Out of love - 80!

You know what matters?
NOTHING.
--------
Our stories are nothing but a little exaggeration of incidents and accidents that happen everyday!
--------
Love is not a land that you share,
It's like the air that surrounds.
Love flows.
-------
Let's just accept that we aren't afraid of people leaving us, what scares us is the fact that they'd move on & we wouldn't!
---------
You're strong you survived with the poison, the world is weak don't let it out; they will lose faith in the good that the world has.
-------
You're one of those mistakes that I want to forget but not erase.
---------
This pain,
Doesn't haunt
Or love me
Anymore.
---------
You can't en-cash the hurt, but if you don't en-cash your pain you are just losing an opportunity!
---------
Drink poison if you must to strive, survive and conquer.
------
How I wish we could love each other instead of just fixing ourselves under the garb of love, solace or whatever.

                                   

Let this pain be!

Tonight I don't want to
Get over this pain
The pain which is
Making every cell
Of my body scream.

Yes! I don't want it
To get over.
I want this pain
To kill the loner in me
The one which wants
Someone to listen.

It's high time this pain
Realises that the urge
For warmth especially during
The times of pain and trauma
Isn't the thing I can get it.

Yes, every cell is screaming
With every cell screaming
A part of heart is breaking
But, that doesn't mean
I get the licence to seek warmth.

All this pain and hurt and hollowness
Doesn't make me The nizam of Hyderabad
Who would have 100 people around
Just when I wanted
There's nobody.

I want this pain
To make the
Hopeful heart realise
The fact that
This hollowness, will stay.

The hollowness,
Hopefully, will leave
In a decade or more
But till then
This craving has to go.

And no,
There's nobody to be blamed, either
It's just me
And the power
I derive from the pain,
Tonight.

Ignorance, magic, gratitude!

If you're thinking
How often does your ignorance
Trouble me
Just know that it does
Every second.

Yes! Every second
I am thankful that now
It just hurts
And doesn't ache
That often.

Your blue ticks
Your seen notifications
Your constant updates
On Snapchat
And yet no replies
Have made me an artist.

For an artist
Consumes pain
And
Generates art
Magic and stardust.

It's okay,
You won't understand
For you aren't what I'm
And
I'm not what you're.

But,
Since my love
For you is
As eternal as
It can possibly be.

And so,
I will always
Be grateful
For what we
Once were.

You then
Made me a lover
And
Today an artist
How do I hate you?

When you've
Just beenS different
Forms of magic
Even in the
Times so tragic.

Us, humans!

The thing about us,
Humans is
That we run after perfection
While the imperfection
Winks at the perfection.

It's about how we
Love tattoos
And lose all of it
When we see or
Are reminded of our scars
This discrimination
This notion
Of the right
And the wrong
Kills us,
Kills us everyday.

We're humans
Who fear death
While we're all
Internally dead.

Our souls numb
And hearts in pieces
We flaunt our heads
As if it creates masterpieces.

It's all about this race
And race has never been
Good or kind
It just brings failure
And makes happiness
Difficult to find.

Out of love - 79!

Faith is a choice that you make,
If someone shreds it,
It's your bad,
You may choose to regret
Or deny,
As per your comfort
-------
From crying over broken toys to now hiding tears over broken hearts, we just realised growing up was not difficult; it was and still is down right fatal.
--------
There ain't a joke bigger, funnier and uglier than life.
--------
Time can do nothing, but pass and change. Such a coward, time!
----------
Past is not trash, it's just ash
---------
In the end you survive because the survival needs you.
---------
In life so hollow,
Is there any hope
That light may follow?
--------
It doesn't hurt everyday,
It just pinches once in a while and
that's exactly when you realize,
that it has been there, throughout
and you had just chosen to not acknowledge it,
when it was giving subtle signals.
-------
The thing is that they're all the same; just temporary and fake.
-------
You know what?
Your heart didn't age
And
Your passion didn't die
And, that's exactly what your head can't handle.
Hence, the mess/ chaos!

Faith, love, magic!

So,
You want to know what
Faith, magic, love
Looks, sounds like?
Just know that it
Doesn't look or sound
For it's not a mere mortal
Like you and me.

It's the power that
Has kept the Earth rotating
And our hearts beating
It's that version of oxygen
Which you and I can't define
But can't do without either.

It's the magic that your faith
Does to my inability to love
And be loved.

Dare you call it unreal
It may not be what your science
Can define
It may not be the essential
That your institution teaches
But,
It still is in you.

Yes! You.
The one who wants to
Wish as soon as it
Sees a shooting star,
The one who wants to
Pause for a while at 11:11
The one who finds infinity
In your lovers eyes.

Magic, faith, love.
Eat, prey, repeat.
Aren't meaningless
They're just a combination
Of unexpressed emotions
And unacknowledged feelings.

कुछ अलफ़ाज़, बस यूँ ही -16!

पहले पानी प्यास बुझाता था, अब आंसुओं ने पानी की अहमीयत ही खत्म कर दी और प्यास अपने आप ही मर गयी.
--------
क्या तुम्हें मेरी बातों में अपने लिये इंतजार महसूस नहीं होता?
क्या तुम्हें मेरी बेचैनी में अपनी चिंता नज़र नहीं आती?
---------
बात तो तुम में ज़रूर कुछ है,
जो तुम मुझे मेरे ही इज़हार में
मेरी खुद की हार दिखा देते हो।
-------
ख़ासियत है ग़म की, हमेशा अकेला ही आता है.
ना ख़ुशि का साया ना उम्मीद की किरण.
-------
तन्हाई से रिहाई की भीख माँग कर भी अब थक चुकी हूँ.
---------

समझ तो ख़ैर नहीं पायी हूँ

लेकिन फिर भी 

बस इतना जान गयी हूँ 

की ज़्यादा प्यार और घुटन 

में कुछ ख़ास फ़र्क़ नहीं होता 

-------

लगता है इस खेल में नए हो,

इसीलिए शायद 

मोहब्बत से क़ायदे की

और वक़्त से भरोसे 

की उमीद पाल रहे हो 

--------

हर रास्ते को मंज़िल मिल जाए ये ज़रूरी नहीं

लेकिन, हर मंज़िल का रास्ता तो होता ही है 

--------

अब तो नींद की फ़ितरत भी इंसानों जैसी हो गयी है,

जब मन करता है तब दग़ा दे जाती है।

------

अधूरी अर्ज़िश का नाम ही शायद ख़्वाहिश है।

Out of love - 78!

That crack in my soul that you and i refuse to acknowledge is exactly the place where my stream of art flows from!
--------
To you your vulnerability is beautiful, but for the world it'll always be an opportunity to exploit.
---------
Next time before I ask you for anything I will certainly remind my self to not ask you
---------
There wouldn't have been any heart ache if we didn't make memories out of our moments.
---------
All of us want our pieces to heal but the irony is we will never acknowledge our pieces.
-----------
Magic is entirely a matter of faith!
---------
Your restlessness will force you to crave for home.
----------
Pain may choose to leave your body, but the impact that it leaves on the soul is pretty much forever!
---------
It doesn't hurt everyday,
It just pinches once in a while and
that's exactly when you realise
that it has been there, throughout
and you had just chosen to not acknowledge it,
when it was giving subtle signals.
-------
But, life never said it would be easy and hope never claimed to be real, anyway.

Out of love - 77!

You know what?
People leave, ignore and hurt.
You know what?
We're all people.
--------
When you can't call it quits with grace,
Don't begin it in the first place.
---------
I regret you,
But never have I regretted loving you.
--------
Not that you would,
But, I sincerely wish
You could!
----------
If loving it makes you unlove yourself, just know that it's not worth it. It never was, it never will be.
---------
It takes time,
Time doesn't stop.
Don't worry,
Your life won't be a flop.
---------
The questions of the mind seek answers,
While the questions of the heart of soul seek peace and solace.
--------
Every Time I beg you to stay, I fail as a keeper first and a confidant next.
--------
It was emitting all the kind of gold which could fill all the cracks in my soul.
------
That crack in my soul that you and i refuse to acknowledge is exactly the place where my stream of art flows from!

Dear pieces!

Today we pray for
Parts and pieces
Some broken
Some not so broken
And
The rest unknown.

The pieces who's edges
Have refused to hurt
For they've been too broken
To sense our dirt.

To the pieces
We fail to acknowledge
For they're the one's
That've made peace
With all the garbage,
Whether it be
Within or around
They've just accepted
It all around.

Now, to the pieces
Who have chosen
To feel the pain along
Yes, the ones
Who have felt the
Unwept tears
And the misery of
Sleepless nights
And almost numb days.

To all you pieces
Who've stayed and sailed along,
Just know
I pray for you,
For that's all I can do.

Out of love - 76!

The best part of magic,
It's neither right nor wrong.
It just is.
---------
The best thing about us is, you don't give a damn and i give a damn about every damn thing related to you!
-------
Some pray, while the rest wish that they're the ones some are praying for.
--------
We live in the age of Snapchat, we love to capture moments but fail to keep the people who transform moments into beautiful memories.
-----------
You have often had the courage to take the air out of my lungs, but very unfortunately you haven't been able to kill me.
I win, even if it means otherwise to you.
-----------
One man's pastime is another man's business.
----------
Attachment with objects can be injurious to health.
However, attachment to human beings is fatal.
-------------
Some un-heal-able wounds should never become scars, so that they remind you of your inability to heal at times.
---------
The magic is not in us, it's in the characters we believe/imagine that reside in us.
---------
So you think destroying the memoirs of our memories will erase the moments that made it to our lists of memories? Ha.

The love that darkness emits!

My affair with darkness
Is no news,
We've realised we hate each other
Just like they hate
The fresh shit of a bird on their head.

But,
You know what's beautiful?
We give each other company
Everyday without fail
Till darkness fades
And my eyelids give up.

We've been constants
Just like sun and light
Unacknowledged, unwanted
Yet there without
Any reason or logic.

Something which
Seems like love
But will never be
Treated as love

For you know
We don't like each other
The dark wants me to sleep
I want the dark to be light

Yet, we want and crave
Each other every night.
Every night when
A new cyclone within
Is destroying me
It's this black dark sky
Holding me.

There is something
About the nights
Maybe faith
Or just some magic
Which makes me feel
Dreamy, easy and comfortable
In times tragic.

Every day I wish
Only if nights
Could be longer
And my mornings
Could be a little stronger.

But, damn.
They're just wishes
Unreal, stupid and mine
Who's going to fulfil them
When I have given up
So many times.

Yet, we manage!

You know what the best thing is?
It is the fact that we manage,
Manage to live,
Live without love
Without constants
Without lifelines.

We manage,
To live,
To survive
Or maybe it's just
The respiratory system
That's functional
And an organ that
Pumps blood without fail.

Whatever it maybe,
We manage.
Just manage
Like pros in the field.

However weak we may feel
However fragile our souls be
We just manage.
Manage enough
To fool ourselves
That this too shall pass
That we aren't the kind of beings
Who give up
In and on life
Because of people.

But,
Somewhere within
There is a tsunami in the making
A cyclone already whirling
A child who is crying
Yet, we manage.

This business of acting
To manage life like a cakewalk
Is so weakening
That I have almost forgotten
What weakness would feel like
And maybe, that forgetfulness
Has made me feel
Or rather forced me to believe
That I'll just manage.

Manage life, yet again.

Drama-less trauma, please?

Yes, it's going to be traumatic
Soul numbing traumatic, I hope not
But, whatever it is
Now that we know that it's traumatic
Let's avoid the dramatic bit.

Let's value the us we have nurtured
The hidden me in you
And the shy you in me
Are our take aways from this
Hopefully for the better
And eventually for the best.

Friends, lovers, lifelines
Been there done that
But, as constants
We tried being there
Couldn't do that.

कुछ अलफ़ाज़, बस यूँ ही -15!

पहले जब बुरा लगता था,
तब मैं रो लेती थी
अब बस हस देती हूं।
---------
जब तुम थी तब मैं खुश थी, नहीं हो, तब भी ज़िंदा तो हूँ ही.
रुका नहीं कुछ, बस बदल गया सब.
----------
किताबों से ज्यादा आंखें पढ़ी हैं
इसलिए शायद दर्द का एहसास ज्यादा
और बयान कम होता है।
---------
जब भी दर्द होता है तो बस तुम्हारी आंखों को याद कर लेती हूं, और फिर ना जाने सब अपने आप ठीक कैसे हो जाता है।
--------
अब मैं दर्पण के सामने नहीं जाती.
ना जाने यह कमबख्त
मेरा कोनसा टुकड़ा दिखा दें
जिसे मैं संभाल ना तो दूर
मैं देख तक ना पाऊं।
-------
तेरी एक मुस्कान के लिए मैं उसको हज़ार सज़ाओं की रज़ा दे दूं, हर रोज़।
--------
दोनों एक दूसरे को पकड़े हुए हैं इसलिए शायद संभले हुए हैं।
--------
उन्हें सिर्फ मेरे अश्क दिखाई देते हैं
काश हर अश्क के पीछे छुपा
इंतज़ार भी नज़र आता
तो मेरी आँखों से छलका
हर एक बूँद स्वार्थ हो जाता.
----------
तुम आओ या ना आओ, तुम्हारी याद तो रोज़ आ ही जाती है।
-----------

ख्वाहिशें हैं, बेनाम और सरफिरी तो होंगी ही.